5 EFFECTIVE WAYS TO INCREASE YOUR COURAGE AND CONFIDENCE
Do you want to be more influential or contribute more to this world? Even if you are living your dream life, don’t you think that there is more that life could have to offer if you take bolder actions? Have you ever thought about having a bigger impact on your family, friends, community, and co-workers? What is it that is stopping you? Maybe a lack of courage and confidence? Is it fear or the hardship that is stopping you? I will share with you 5 effective ways to increase your courage and confidence so that you can experience more from life and take bolder actions.
The first thing to do is to identify if it is the fear that is stopping you and the struggle preventing you from getting ahead from where you are in life. Let’s look at fear first:
1. Identify the fears
Often fear is based on irrational thoughts that we keep spinning around in our heads. The more you let them control your mind, the more likely you will create a habit of avoidance of this fear. Only by focusing on it, analyzing it, and rationalizing with it, can you decrease the influence of fear on your behavior. In my opinion, there are 4 types of fear. Take one of your fears and consider which category it falls into. Sometimes the fear can touch upon multiple categories. They are not exclusive.
A. Fear of leaving what you knew best (past)
When we must make a change, such as taking a new job or moving to a new town, we often fear the loss of what we had and the safety of what we know. In 2017, when I decided to leave my successful career in Switzerland and move permanently to the United States, I had some fear of leaving behind what I had built for 25 years. I had to sell my house and leave my friends and family.
When I analyzed it, I looked at the opposite of the LOSS of things. I countered this by thinking about the GAIN I might have. I might get a new home, even better and nicer than the one I had, I might meet new incredible friends and I might build a new family. Leaving what I knew didn’t mean that I couldn’t have it again. It was an opportunity to move all of that to another level, better and greater!
B. Fear of the hardship (present)
Fear of the work, fear of the challenge, fear of the process, fear of not being capable or overwhelmed. If you want to write a book, it might be overwhelming at first. It is a long process and if you listen to authors, they often say that it can be a painful process. There will be many ups and downs, barriers, and rejections when you want to find an editor. You might even finish your book and never have it published… If this is the base of your fear, you can counter it by considering the positive aspects of the experience, like learning something new and how much personal GROWTH and experience you will get from it. Think about how many new people you will meet along the way and new relationships you will create. Think of all the different new skills you will learn throughout the journey. Personal growth are the key words. Nothing worth growth in life is cheap and easy. It requires dedication, consistency, and resilience.
C. Fear of the result (future)
How cool would it be if we could know we will reach the outcome we want with 100% certainty before we begin a new project? We would feel more courageous and confident about doing it, right? But unfortunately, it does not work this way. We often fear that all the effort we invested might not be sufficient to reach the goal or fail at it. You create a new product or new service. You worked hard to make it attractive and hope your clients will love it. But you are afraid to not reach your numbers, afraid to lose the money, time, and energy you invested into it.
You can counter this fear by focusing on the journey and being DETACHED from the outcome. I often coach my clients to not focus on the outcome but on the feeling they want to create through their service or product. Don’t focus too much on the outcome you want to reach, be detached from it and focus on the feeling that you want the people to have. Try it; you may be surprised! Maybe the outcome will be much better than you expect.
D. Fear based on your conditioning (past experiences)
Some fear was passed down in your genes or upbringing e.g., family, friends, education, political system, and religion (to cite a few). I come from a culture (Swiss) where people are raised in fear. I was not aware of it when I was living there because it was what I knew and the only thing I had experienced until I decided to move out of the country. Often, Swiss people are risk-averse and have a hard time making decisions. It is why they often compromise. Of course, they are not all like this but from my personal observations, the majority are. When I moved to the United States, I recognized that I was raised with these limiting beliefs based on fear. I was playing small. Living in America, I discovered that the conditioning of my upbringing and culture was not serving me. I detached myself from it and forced myself to step up.
You can overcome this type of fear by BEING RATIONAL, educating yourself, and researching if what was said is really the truth. Look at the limiting beliefs that were told or taught to you. Decide then if they are true. Ask the question if you want to play small based on your conditioning or play big based on your potential!
2. Look back on your achievements
As a fighter pilot instructor, my mission was to teach young pilots to become better. Every mission had its own debriefing. Often this debriefing took longer than the mission itself. When I was an instructor, I often said to my students two things:
Learn from the mistakes of others, especially older pilots. Read historical books about great air battles (WWI, WWII, Vietnam) or pilots (like the Barron Rouge). Learn from those pilots because you don’t have enough lives to make the same mistakes.
You can make any tactical mistakes with me, but only once. You must learn from your past mistakes and not reproduce them. Flying fighter jets is expensive and costly when there are multiple jets in the air during training. You cannot repeat flights because you repeat the same mistakes.
When you lack courage or confidence, look back on all your achievements. Look at your battles, challenges, and hardships. Remember how hard it was to achieve certain goals in your life. Maybe it was to get your degree or get a specific job that you really wanted to have. Maybe it was something you were afraid of like public speaking, and you worked hard to improve and master the skill.
Make a list of 10 achievements you have made already in your life. Even small ones. Look how scary it was, how hard, and how much uncertainty you had at that time. Then look at the result. You did it, you overcame all the obstacles in your way. I ask you this because the next challenge that requires courage and confidence is not different than the previous one. You succeeded before. You will this time too. You are more capable than you think. If you have the grit, dedication, and work consistently with resilience, you will achieve it again. Look back and be proud of who and where you are now and what you have achieved so far. Now think about who you can become and where you can be in the future. Be certain that if you have clarity on what you want, you will be capable of achieving it.
3. Surround yourself with people who support you
If I look at my past and could change one thing, I would surround myself with better people. I was raised in a family that was prouder of your failures, that tried to tear you down instead of cheering you up or congratulating you. I remember my father giving me advice when I was a teenager. I thought about them and often noticed that they were suggestions that would make me fail. So, I often decided to do it my own way, sometimes with success and sometimes not. In my community and with my friends, I was often leading the pack, organizing events, vacations, parties, you name it. I was a fighter pilot and that was not common where I lived. It was a really long and hard process to become one in my country. People often looked at me as a leader, a role model, or someone who did the “big thing”. What I forgot for many years is to surround myself with people who inspire me. I was too busy helping others and forgot to help myself for my own future. Also, I spent too long trying to support my family. I should have left earlier.
Jim Rhon said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” This is true! Lorne Michaels said, “If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.” It does not mean that you cannot be from time to time (like being in a role of teaching others), but it shouldn’t be all the time. I failed at both. That is one thing that I am very aware of and conscious of now. I want to surround myself with people that will raise my vibrancy, ambitions, and cheer me up.
Make a list of your friends. Look at the ones who are positive and uplifting role models and the ones who are not. Which ones do you want to spend more time with, and which ones less? Sometimes it is necessary to let go of what is toxic in your life and what is not serving you. Some people want to grow in life. Some grow faster than others. Sometimes, you grow faster than your best friends. It is okay. But know that they are on their own path, and you are on yours. They are your best friends. But you need to seek new friends that will support your growth.
Speaking of seeking new friends, where should I look? The answer is simple. Whatever you want to achieve in life professionally, personally, or spiritually, seek the people in those fields. Better, look at people who are slightly ahead of you. If you want to write a book, mingle with people who write books but look at people who did it, people who are ahead of you. They can show you the best way to achieve your goal faster and quicker. They will show you the traps to avoid or can guide you through different challenges. This will increase your courage and confidence. Have friends who want you to succeed and who are cheering you up along the way. Pay attention to whom you surround yourself with. Connection and relationships are key to any success. An African proverb summarises it well: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together”.
4. Leave your comfort zone often
You probably have heard this one often. Easier said than done! Too often people think about “the” big thing that they were afraid of and wanted to do, like jumping out of an airplane or going on a very high zip line. It is all great, but it is not something you can reproduce consistently. You may have to conquer temporally the fear of heights but are you really free of this fear? Wouldn’t you be afraid again to go on the zip line? How can we rewire our brains to not have a fear of heights anymore? I personally think that it is better to take smaller steps working consistently. Step out of your comfort zone often, but with little leaps. Imagine your life is a field with a “safety fence” around it that limits what you know and what is comfortable. Jumping the fence and running fast to the other side then coming back even faster shows that you are still fearful. The fence will remain in the same place. But what about taking one pole of the fence at a time and planting it a few feet further out in the uncomfortable zone? With time your field of comfort will grow. You will build courage and confidence on a more consistent basis. You will continue to expand and grow. You will create new patterns of thinking that will stick with you. The specific fear or the lack of courage will disappear. It won’t be there anymore because you were consistent in facing it with small steps at the time.
I have been afraid of snakes since a young age. I think it was one of those “conditionings” of my upbringing triggered by my parents scaring me when we were hiking boulders in the mountain. They told me that snakes will come and bite me. I have worked on this irrational fear for years, one step at a time, and l am improving. A few weeks ago, I helped an angry rattlesnake to cross the road. He was pissed. I had a little stick standing a few feet away from him. I pushed him and tapped the ground around him to make him move. I didn’t want him to be killed by a car. It took a lot out of me and it took a lot out of him. He was rattling loudly! But we did it. We were both a little bit scared but I built up my confidence and courage. I am ready to help another one. I won’t be closer and I won’t pet him for sure but I can face him, remain calm and continue my path without fear.
5. Reverse engineering
Think about your journey when you were a student at school. You didn’t feel fear about getting through the process. You were not upset to go through the classes required to learn and become educated. The path was paved for you by the school system that had a curriculum in place. Now you reach a place in your life where there is no curriculum anymore. Maybe you want to venture into something you have never done. Maybe you want to start your own business but don’t know how to approach it. You feel insecure and overwhelmed by all the things you must do. Because of this feeling, you procrastinate and postpone it for later. This lack of courage and confidence in your capability to figure it out along the way makes you waste precious time. So how can you do it better? Reverse engineer what you want to achieve!
Let’s say you want to write a book. Put a date in your calendar when you want that published, let’s say in two years. Then from there, you work backward. You want to have one year for all the editing and publishing (second year) and one year to write a 240 page book (first year). Write down all the milestones you need to hit to make it happen (writing a proposal, getting an editor, writing the book, publishing it, marketing it, and selling it - there are probably many other milestones to hit; this is just an example). Now focus on the first year. How many pages a month do you need to write if you want to have a 240 pages book in the next 12 months? The answer is 20 pages. How many a week? 5 pages. How many pages a day (skipping weekends)? 1 page a day. Can you sit every day at your desk and write one page? Is that a goal you can achieve? The answer is probably yes. Keeping yourself on track every week and every month will help you to reach your goal of producing a 240 page book by the end of a year.
I often say to people to set goals that are challenging enough to take you out of your comfort zone but small enough to be attainable. You don’t want to miss your goal every time. You will lose motivation. And you don’t want easy goals, as you will lose motivation as well. Writing one page a day during an entire year can feel like an easy goal. It is not so easy when you must be consistent, discipline yourself, and go through days where the inspiration, creativity, or energy is not present. Don’t underestimate your goal but don’t be overwhelmed either. Find the right balance!
Final words
There are many ways to become more courageous and confident. These 5 effective ways are the ones I used the most in my life. They bring results, at least for me. I am convinced it will be the same for you. The key is to identify why you lack courage or confidence in certain areas in your life. Then take the appropriate action to move beyond the fear, the limiting beliefs, and the story we keep spinning in our heads that we are not good enough, not capable, too old, or whatever else is the excuse. Be aware of that story. Often the story is not reflecting the reality of who you are. If you need to learn new skills, do it. If you need people to support you, ask around you; ask people who are ahead of you in the area you are working. Be humble but be bold at the same time. Life is rich with experiences. They are within reach if you are willing to act and take small steps to get them. Be patient, be kind with yourself, be disciplined, and be resilient. You are capable of much more than you think. Yes, it can be hard sometimes. It is often not an easy path when you have big dreams in life. But believe me, it is worth it. Later in your life, when the time comes, you will look back at your 10 biggest achievements (most of them are still to come!) and you will say: “what a ride, what a life. I am so happy that I didn’t let my fear control my life, that I took bold actions to have an extraordinary life!’ You will look at your legacy, at your contribution to this world and the impact you have created, and you will say: ‘You di good, well done!’
- Hubert
YourHPcoach
P.S. Hey guys, Hubert here!
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