YOU ARE IN COMMAND OF YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS
The 14th and the 21st of May are special dates for me. Each represents a quintessential yin-and-yang duality where opposite or contrary forces became interconnected. These dates will always trigger thoughts and feelings that can either ruin or make my day. Nonetheless, it is my choice to decide which feelings and thoughts I want to generate and allow.
May 14, 2014
On Wednesday the 14th of May 2014 I was at my parent’s house in Switzerland. I was not supposed to be there. I had left the house the previous Sunday for a three-day meeting in Lausanne ahead of my flight back to San Diego on Thursday morning. This would be the end of a busy three-week business trip.
At the hotel on the Monday night, I couldn’t sleep. My neighbors were making a lot of noise and, despite my complaints to reception, nothing changed. On Tuesday night it was the same story, and by this point, I was tired and frustrated. Despite my repeated complaints to the reception, the noises continued and by 2 am I had enough! My instinct told me to just pack my suitcase and leave the hotel. I notified by text message the meeting coordinator that I wouldn’t be present on Wednesday and returned to my parents’ house. I arrived home at 3 am and went straight to sleep in my childhood bedroom.
When I woke up at 10 am, I spent some time with my father while my mother was cooking lunch. My plan was to eat with them and then leave for Zurich, where I would spend the night before my early flight home
During my three weeks’ stay in Switzerland my father had been behaving strangely and I had the feeling that something bad might happen. Before I left, I sensed that it might be the last time that I would see him. I had tried to communicate with him but my father kept his thoughts and feelings quiet, and rarely expressed emotion. He was the man of the family, a strong man who never asked for help and always acted independently on his terms.
At around 11:45 am, we were both sat at the kitchen table. It was an old, grey, Formica table that we had owned since I was born. The table had deep scratches and holes from five decades of use. I was sat on the narrow side of the table opposite my mother with my father to my right. I tried to have a conversation with him but it didn’t work. My mother was interrupting us constantly with her crazy stories. She was a mentally unwell person who often created destruction around her. Despite complaints from my father and I, the doctors caring for her would not intervene. She was worsening with time and a nightmare to be around. That day my mother went to a very dark place physically and mentally. After 20 minutes of listening to her, I noticed that her head had become dark purple and she was grinding her teeth. It was the scariest face I have ever seen. At that point, I blew up, “I cannot take this craziness anymore. It’s enough. I am tired of you both fighting all the time. I cannot do it anymore. I will pack and leave right now.” I went upstairs, took my suitcase before returning. My father said, “Hubert, come and finish your plate” which I obliged but when I was done, I stood up and looked at him. He was sitting staring at his plate, his hands on his legs, silent. He looked desperate. He didn’t look at me nor say goodbye. My mother watched me with a cold gaze, no emotion, no words. It was 12:30 when I got in my car and left.
That was the last time I saw my father. 3 days later, I received a message from my mother saying that he had taken his life. After I left home they had fought and my father told her that he couldn’t take her anymore. He had enough, and he went into the basement of his warehouse and shot a bullet into his head. My mother waited three days before reporting his death to the police. He was 73 years old.
May 14, 2018
Over the following years, I experienced hell on earth. My father had left a mess behind him which I had to clean up whilst dealing with my mother every day from the United States (with 9 hours’ time difference I had to spend many nights on the phone dealing with her and the family estate). I discovered the depth of her dark side. Despite asking for help from the local authorities, doctors, and other family members, I ended up alone with no support. I was living in survival mode. In 2017 I was asked to return to Switzerland (ending my diplomatic tour in the US). Going back home was the worth thing for me with the insane situation. I decided to take a leap of faith and apply for a Green Card. At the end of 2017, I left my home country without knowing if I could stay in the US. During my immigration process, the law changed which meant that all applicants needed to have an interview. In early April I received a letter from the Department of Homeland Security to appear for the initial interview on Monday the 14th May 2018, at 10:15 am. This was the final step of the application.
It was exactly 4 years on from when I had last seen my father. If that was not a sign, what could it be? This interview would determine if I could stay in the US or needed to leave somewhere (Europe was not an option for me anymore).
The Sunday before the interview I went to the Deer Park Monastery, which is close to my house, for a day of silent meditation. I didn’t pray for a result but I meditated on experiencing the best Monday ever. I envisioned how I wanted the interview to go. I wanted a female officer, open-hearted, smiling, with positive energy but most importantly we would all have a good time. Well, guess what happened on Monday? Exactly what I had envisioned. After a 20 minute interview, I was granted my Green Card. My immigration lawyer, who had become a close friend, couldn’t believe what had happened. She had never witnessed such an interview. On my way home I stopped at the beach. I watched the ocean and said to myself, “welcome home Hubert, welcome home.”
May 21, 2014
The 21st of May is my birthday. The day where we all celebrate a full cycle around the sun. It is a day I always look forward to. I loved to celebrate it. I would invite my friends for a huge party where I would cook pizza in my backyard. It became a tradition. Everyone wants to be happy, joyful, and have fun on their special day. It was like that for me until May 21st, 2014.
On that day I buried my father. Following the tragedy of his death, I had asked my mum to wait until I could return home for the funeral arrangements. She didn’t wait and planned his funeral for my birthday. As you can imagine, she didn’t care. When I was there helping her, she didn’t wish me a happy birthday. Was she in shock? Confused? In sorrow… We will never know. All I know is that day I saw light for the first time and my father for the last.
How to handle opposing thoughts and feelings
How can I process the events of these two dates? As you may guess from the title, we are all in command of our thoughts, and the feelings that we have towards a situation, event, or challenge. If you are having ice cream with a child and he drops his ice cream on your new, expensive velvet shoes you can decide to be upset about it or laugh it off as an accident. You control these reactions because yes, you are in charge. There is a simple framework that explains how important it is to have control over our thoughts and feelings that I will outline.
Thought, Feeling, Behavior, Outcome
Your thought triggers your feeling which then dictates your behavior and produces an outcome. These four steps are linked. Therefore, it is crucial to understand the importance that your thoughts and feelings can have over your life. Frequently they are overlooked in order to focus on what we should do or say to get the desired result. Or we blame external circumstances for our negative thoughts and feelings. We forget to be in tune internally with what we want to manifest externally and take ownership for what is controlling our thoughts.
Thought
Thoughts come and go but some thoughts keep returning, like a needle on an old vinyl hitting a scratch. Good, bad, positive, or negative, the thought will trigger feelings. How can we pass the scratch on the vinyl? First, become aware of the thought. Stop what you are doing, pause, and reflect. Then reframe the thought to create the feeling you want to generate (more on this later). Awareness of the thought without judgment is key.
Feeling
Feelings are different than emotions. Feelings originate in the neocortical regions. You give meaning to a certain emotion which has been triggered by an event. The feeling you feel is a personal interpretation of an emotion that arises. Feelings are acquired through existing life experiences. This is why the same event can trigger different feelings for different people.
Emotions manifest in the unconscious mind. They are chemicals released throughout the body in response to our interpretation of a specific trigger. We have little control over this. They often last for only a few seconds. A feeling lasts longer in response to our assessment of an emotion, whether consciously or unconsciously.
Thus, the ice cream falling on your shoes can trigger an emotion of surprise. Then this can trigger a feeling of anger or amusement. In essence, the body is a playground for emotions, and the mind is a playground for feelings. Therefore, you can control the feeling.
Katie Byron has a fabulous framework for shifting negative thoughts and feelings towards positive interpretations. In her book “The Work” (highly recommended!) she outlines four steps which analyze the thought and feeling through questions. The fifth step then challenges you to reframe the thought or feeling in a positive light as follows:
1. Is it true? (Is the feeling/thought true?)
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true? (Is the feeling/thought factually correct? Often you will see that it is not accurate as your mind is playing tricks with you)
3. How do you react when you believe that thought? (How do you feel in response to the thought…)
4. Who would you be without the thought? (How would you feel without this thought…)
5. Finally, what would be the opposite thought to this one? (How can an opposing thought reinforce how you want to feel in step 4)
The more you practice this framework the greater your awareness of thought and feeling patterns. With time this exercise will transform your brain's neuro-connections and neurochemicals. I did it and it works, trust me!
Behavior (action)
You have probably heard about being reactive or responsive. Being reactive is when you act impulsively. You may say something or act in a way in the moment which you regret later. Being responsive is more considerate. If you pause, witness your thoughts and feelings, reframe the experience in a calmer manner, you will have a response. Both are behaviors. It is important to pick which behavior you want to reinforce or amplify. The response is what you should aim for!
Outcome
Everything we do or say produces an outcome. Someone may react or respond positively or negatively to you. If you are mindful and disciplined with the first three steps (thought - feeling - behavior) you will manifest more outcomes as you envision them. Life can throw you curveballs but how you perceive them (thought), what you want to generate as a feeling (lesson learned, getting stronger) can dictate the next action you will take (what you will say or do) which will create a calmer outcome (you are accountable for the outcome based on your behavior/action).
Final words
Now, you may wonder how I have reframed my feelings from the events discussed on the 14th and 21st of May.
May 14th reminds me to never leave a situation/conversation on a negative note. I acknowledge those present and ensure that we end up with a positive feeling (even in disagreements). You may never have a second chance to have a conversation. I forgive my father as he didn’t know better or have the knowledge and resources to get out of the tough situation he was in. I take May 14th as a reminder that we are all connected and that the spirit of my father has my back. He wants the best for me and that is why he had an eye on the interview. I love him for the good and the bad as it made me who I am now. I am eager to move forward and make an impact in this world, to make him proud. I know now that someone is helping me with a good heart, and good intentions. Those are the feelings I want to keep. May 14th represents the cycle of life, and that an end can be a new beginning.
May 21st represents the moment where my father saw me for the first time, and I saw him for the last time. For me, this date represents our physical experience on earth. We do not have much time and this realization has become more important. I want to experience life to its fullest. I want to serve, make an impact, and leave an amazing legacy behind. The 21st of May is a celebration of life. Every year on this date I vow to myself and to the world to be the best person I can be. I celebrate my achievements and those of my father. I remember that there is a lot of good that can be made if I have the right thought, the right feeling, and the correct behavior. I want to create change and transformation in my life and the lives of others. That is what my birth date means.
If you reflect on a past event or conversation and use the framework mentioned above, what kind of outcomes could you have produced? Do you think you can shift your perspective in the future to have a more positive and uplifting outcome? Do you think you can restart a conversation that didn’t go well? Remember, you may not have a second chance! Think about it… feel it… then take the action that is congruent with your thought and feeling. The world will thank you for the generous outcome that you have manifested.
-Hubert
YourHPcoach
P.S.: Hey guys, Hubert here!
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