5 THINGS I WISH I HAD KNOWN WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER, PART II
Inspired by the Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
If you haven’t read part I, you can access it by clicking the link HERE.
4. The people around you
Have you ever felt disconnected from the people around you? You might have spent years, even decades with friends and suddenly you feel that the connection is not there anymore? Well, you are not alone. Know that this is normal. Some relationships just fade slowly over time. Others have an abrupt ending.
I remember that around the end of my term working under the Swiss Department of Foreign Affairs in the US I felt so disconnected from people back in Switzerland. My relationship with my family ended in a bad way. After my father took his life, it was mayhem. It was brutal. It was survival, literally physical and emotional survival. I tried my best to save the situation and help my family. I failed.
The situation with my working colleagues was not the best either but I take ownership for that. Now I recognize the mistakes I made. I disconnected myself from them. For many years, I thought it was their behaviors and their lack of understanding “me” that created this disconnection. I guess I needed these mistakes in order for me to understand that I needed to work on myself. I certainly owe them an apology. I reflected on what made me change my perception from being “their fault” to being “my fault”.
My parents often fought, verbally and this meant that two things occurred over and over:
They were always blaming each other for what happened. They never took ownership over what happened in their life. They never took responsibility for the outcome.
If they couldn’t blame someone, they would blame the circumstances. They would play the victim, all the time.
No guesses for what I then repeated in my life for a very long time… the same. I was conditioned to think that way, as with my siblings. Everything I didn’t like in my life was caused by someone else’s actions or circumstances.
As a little boy, my father was my hero. He was my role model. He had a good heart but couldn’t express it. He was locked down emotionally. His way to cope with life was to impersonate the “outlaw figure”. When I was very young, he took me hunting and fishing illegally. At 10 years old, during Christmas time, I would jump with my rubber boots in a barrel full of apples or pears. I would smash them until it became more liquid. We would then cover the barrel and leave them to ferment. Yes, my father was a moonshiner, all his life. He was famous in town for his good liquor. Totally illegal, but it was one of his things. As you can imagine, his relationship with alcohol was not healthy.
My father was my hero at the time. I thought all these illegal activities were cool. My friends at school listened to my stories. I captured their attention. The side effect of this was that I became conditioned to think the same way or surround myself with people with unhealthy behaviors. It took me a long time to realize that I was surrounded by people who didn’t serve me anymore.
I think the biggest realization of this fact was when I left everything behind, my career, family, and everything I had built for 30 years. In 2017, I officially left my country. I needed help to start over or at least some moral and emotional support. Nothing came from Switzerland. However, in the US, I had an army of friends and businesspeople who helped me to start a new life. This is the moment I realized that I was surrounded for too many years by the wrong people. I decided to choose a path that nobody understood in Switzerland. I don’t blame them for that. They are just conditioned to think in a more secure, predictable and conventional way.
I knew what I wanted: to become a servant leader and help people to live a better and more fulfilling life. I intentionally and mindfully looked at the people that I was surrounding myself with. I paid attention to the energy the person was carrying. I didn’t care what they did, where they came from, or their successes (or failures). What I cared about was that they were growth mindset people that wanted to support me on my journey and that I could support on their journey. I wanted collaborative and supportive growth. I wanted people who sought to have an impact in this world. I didn’t care how big. It didn’t matter. What mattered was that they are willing to spend time and energy to make this world a better place for our legacy, for the generations to follow.
Now think about who you spend most of your time with. Make a list and look at it pragmatically. Ask these questions, are they people that support my growth? Are they people that respect me? Are they people that are grateful for my help? Are they people that I enjoy spending time with? Are they the ones that recharge my battery? Are they people that enjoy my company and people that are open to be cheered up as well? Are they people who are just takers, dream killers, or energy suckers? When you have the list, be intentional and mindful with who you want to spend most of your time with. Don’t be afraid to let go of what is not beneficial anymore for both parties.
My advice to a young person is to think about who you want to become 5 or 10 years from now and look at who can support you to get there. If you think they are the party people at the local bar, so be it. But don’t complain if you don’t have the results that you wanted. If you have a bigger ambition, think about who you need to have in your circle and where to find them. Seek mentors, coaches, and/or teachers. They don’t have to be physically present (though it is better). There is so much information on the web, videos, and podcasts from great successful people that are just ahead of you in what you want to contribute to this world. Take them as an inspiration and create your own path.
P.S. If you want to read a blog about my adventures with my dad, you can read the blog “When I Was a Kid, I Was a Poacher”. Click the link HERE.
5. Meditation and breathwork
This last piece of advice is the one that I started the latest, especially breathwork. I intentionally combined both because they are interconnected.
I heard about meditation in my 20’s and tried many times to build a meditation routine. I failed, again and again. I remember when I decided to sit one time a day, for 10 minutes, to focus on “emptying my mind,” trying to have no thoughts. That was my understanding of meditation. So, I sat, closed my eyes, and focused on my mind. “No thoughts please, no thoughts... peace and calm please…” I repeated to myself. It didn’t work well. I couldn’t stay still for more than 5 minutes. My mind was even producing more thoughts which created more stress because I couldn’t control any of it. It drove me crazy and so I quit for a while.
Then, I got more into it when I started to practice yoga. I finally understood that mediation was more about mindfulness, being present, and being aware. It was making more sense. When I heard that being aware of the thought is a type of meditation, I felt encouraged to start again. I don’t have to empty my mind anymore! I learned to sit as a witness and observe the thought with equanimity. This led me to be much quieter and I was able to sit for longer periods of time.
I was still struggling to have a steady routine. It is only in 2018, after I left Switzerland, that I decided to make it a priority. I decided to wake up 20 minutes earlier every day and meditate. It paid off. I was calmer and had less stress. I could feel that my mind was sharper and more focused. So I kept meditating and built a routine.
Then, in 2019, a dear Swiss friend who lived in California told me about his experience at a Vipassana retreat. He explained to me that he went to a place where there is no talking for 10 days. You sit for 12 to 13 hours a day and meditate. Between meditations, you eat, rest and sleep. This is a hard-core meditation practice. I was intrigued and wondered if I should try it. I like to push the envelope. I flew and taught on the fastest and most challenging airplanes (fighter jets), I scuba-dived in the deepest waters with multiple tanks and gas mixes, and received the highest instructor accreditation in the scuba diving industry. It was totally in my wheelhouse!
1 year later, I was in Maui for vacation. I met the woman who was hosting me on AirBnB. Our conversation led us to meditation, acupuncture, and yoga. She told me that she had done 10 Vipassana retreats and that she was a member of the board of directors. Okay, that was it. Two people had told me about it within a year. It was time to sign up. I waited for a while due to the COVID situation but in the last week of August 2021, I was sitting in my first 10-day Vipassana meditation course. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I have competed in Ironman races but this course was as challenging, maybe even more!
If you want to know more about this first experience with Vipassana, you can read the blog: “Vipassana Meditation: 5 Benefits of Taking an Annual Off-Grid Retreat in Silence” by clicking the link HERE.
When I returned, I was able to sit without moving for an hour and repeat that every morning. It is what I do now every day of the week (the weekend is a little bit more relaxed). Six months later, I did a second course for 10 days. I deepened my practice. It was as hard as the first time (I thought it would be easier). You can read my 2nd experience in the blog: “The Quest: Who Am I? Getting out of misery and unhappiness.” Click HERE.
Mediation has become part of my daily habits and it is an important part of my life. Now, you may think that spending one full hour a day is a lot of time to spend, a lot of time that I could be using for something else. But let me tell you that this hour, every day, over months, has saved me much more time than it takes. My brain works differently. My mind is sharper. I am more focused. I can make better decisions. It is a win. Like physical exercise, it takes time to go to the gym. Nobody complains about it. It is the physical “hygiene”. Why do we do the same for the mind? I think people are more attracted to physical hygiene than mental hygiene because it has benefits and results that can be felt/seen right away. Meditation is more subtle. It needs to bring much more awareness to the benefit it gives. It takes more patience.
I wish I would have started this practice way earlier in my life. I wish I had been more curious about it and had investigated what and how to do it. This is definitely a habit that I would share with someone younger.
The latest thing that I have incorporated into my life is breathwork. I am aware of the different types of breathing in yoga and practice them when I do my asanas. During the Vipassana meditation course, the teacher spoke a lot about our breath and bodily sensations. Both are the means to reach the unconscious level of the mind where all our mental conditioning is stored. If you read my second blog mentioned above (The Quest), you will have a better understanding of what it means.
I became curious and wanted to know more about the breath. Like the mind, I am stuck with it until my last breath. I am stuck with it until it leaves me and so I wanted to understand more about it.
I took the Wim Hof method course (The Ice Man) which is focused mainly on the breath. I started to take cold showers every day. I went in ice baths. I still take a cold shower every day (I don’t even put it warm anymore). I understood how important the breath is to survive the cold. One thing that blew my mind is that good breathwork increases the oxygen level in cells, which creates a chemical reaction that makes our body more alkaline. Now if you google the benefits of having an alkaline body, you will be amazed by what you find. To cite a few: cancer cannot develop in an alkaline body. You have better digestion. It boosts your brain function (better focus and clarity). It decreases inflammation and arthritis. It improves your immune system. It helps to sleep better. Who does not want all these benefits?
Every week, I practice a full hour of breathwork. It is challenging. But guess what, the results are here. I feel so much better the next few days after the work. What I found out is that meditation combined with breathwork is like putting your mind on steroids, in a good way! On top of that, it costs nothing, only time!
Breathwork has become a trend. People are more open to the idea of using the breath as a tool to function better. The medical field is increasing its research. The perfect example is Wim Hof who is now a leader in this field. He has shown how, with his breath, he can push the body and mind beyond what we thought was possible.
I am still a beginner in this field. As with all the previous advice, I wish I would have known that earlier. This would be the last and most memorable planet that I visited!
Final words
You may have expected me to talk about the vital skills to have a fulfilling, happy life. Maybe you wanted me to talk about what to learn to become successful. All that is important. Most of the youth have heard about it. The school, the parents, and society itself dictates what we should learn to become a good contributor to this world.
But how many times have you heard someone telling you that passion is what will make you feel alive? It is what you should focus on, the passion, and not the material things or the acknowledgment/approval of others. Be passionate. Be open to change and new opportunities. Open your heart to new passions if they come on your path. Don’t be scared to follow a new passion. Take this opportunity to rise and live fully, with enthusiasm and passion!
Practice an activity that is good for your body and mind, something that connects you with your higher Self and others. Yoga helped me a lot. Maybe for you, this is a type of martial arts or tai chi. Focus on what makes you strong and flexible physically and mentally. Invest in yourself. Invest in new experiences and new discoveries that support your health.
Have a growth mindset. Forget this idea that the brain only loses neurons after birth. It is not true. It is regenerating every day. Feed it with good nutrients and good thoughts. Invest in your future self, the one you want to become 5 to 10 years down the road. It is as important as investing in your retirement.
Surround yourself with people who cheer you up. Find a mentor, a coach, a teacher, or friends that can show you the way. You don’t need to reinvent the wheel. Learn from people who have been there and done it. Believe me, these people will be happy to support you on your journey. One day, it will be you in this position because you did the work. You will be the one sharing your experiences and words of wisdom.
In this stressful society and fast-paced life, reserving some time every day for your self-care is important. Exercising is good. But take some time to focus on your mind too. Become more mindful. Sharpen your awareness. Be more present by integrating a mediation practice into your day. There are so many ways to do it. Google them and find one for you. I am convinced that you will find a method that suits you well. If you can add breathwork on top of it, it will be like the cherry on the cake.
These five things are the most important pieces of advice I have learned during my journey traveling between planets. They are my gift to you and hopefully, for the loved ones around you.
The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry is my favorite book. I have read it more than 20 times. I still find new gems every time I read it. It has become a way of understanding life with all its beauty and challenges. If you haven’t read it, do it! Or better… buy one and offer it to a teenager that needs a little help in life. He or she will be grateful for your kind gesture. Don’t be surprised if you become their mentor, for life! Share your stories, your planets. Thank you Antoine de Saint-Exupéry for your inspiration and wisdom. I am forever grateful.
P.S. You can access part I, by clicking the link HERE.
- Hubert
YourHPcoach
P.S. Hey guys, Hubert here!
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